Middle of the year resolution

Yes, odd title. But it has a nice ring to it, no?

Anyway, I decided to ditch the whining about being single and throw caution to the wind. Oh, and catch the travel bug.

I always like traveling, but usually someone else initiate it. Case in point, Paris. If it wasn't for the study abroad, my 8 1/2 wide feet wouldn't touch the France soil. Another case in point, the trip to the UP at the end of August. My roomie initiate it. When it came to plan a trip, I'm a lazy bum. I just realize right now. I could talk all I want about places I want to see, but I wouldn't plan it. I love to travel, but I didn't catch the bug.

So ... I decided to plan a trip somewhere in the US before the end of the year. Preferably, before it gets cold. Oh, and before the world decided to do conventions or events every day of the week. What caused this, you may ask. A show called Nature. I watched it last week, and got hitched. Absolutely love it! I guess the inner geek in me just came out. This week was about Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Before I was a chef-to-be, I was a biologist-to-be. Marine biology was going to be my specialization. I'm terrified of drowning and I a terrible swimmer, but I decided to be a daredevil. That was before I realize I love cooking more. But somehow it was stuck to my brain. The love of sea, I mean. The trip to Shedd Aquarium triggered it. I love it. Never seen anything like it. I was hooked. And now, I got hooked on the idea of visiting Monterey Bay Aquarium. Alone if I must. But a visit is must ... if I can afford it. Yes, money is always an issue. Bother, isn't it?

But even if I can't go to Monterey Bay Aquarium, I will travel anyway. Somewhere in the US, where there is museums, art gallery, or even small aquariums. I WILL catch the bug.

What a girl to do ...

to find a good man?

Right now, I'm so burned out with internet dating. After trying the paying kind with eHarmony, I'm now in another dating site (thanks to my roomie's ex-roomie ... long story). This one is free tho', which is the reason I decided to take the plunge again. When eHarmony failed to help me find a match, I said there and then that I would never try internet dating again. But since this site is free, I said hey what've I got to loose. I might even gain a man. Ha!

Yeah, that was about two months ago. But now, I'm totally burned out again. I didn't get responses from the guys I want to. I got responses from guys I don't want to. The only guy I want that mail me back live in Italy. And they're asking me when am I planning to go to Italy. Um, when you ask me to marry me? Aargh, this is so frustrating.

I wanna quit, but a voice in the back of my mind said go ahead and try. There's no result without efforts. But I. Just. So. Burned. Out. I'm tired of trying and yielding no results at all. I don't want to be wasting my time in front of the computer, trying to find me a man. I want to live my life. Enjoy my time here. Have fun. And not worrying if my picture is cute enough to yield a response. Or my profile intro is interesting enough. Oh no, I don't want that.

*sigh*

Just want to be happy, you know.

Death by Exhaustion

*phew*

I've been working nonstop for 12 days straight. And make it 13 days with tomorrow shift. Exhaustion will be the death of me. Woowee ... the life of a lowly apprentice.

It was this annual music festival here where I live. Seven days, many bands and performers. According to a coworker, we used to only do the food for 'normal' people (special passes holder, volunteers, and sponsor's tents). But this year, we're doing the VIPs too. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I have cooked food for the like of Ludacris, Brett Michaels, Adam Lambert, and Alice Cooper. Did I meet them? Hell, no. I was cooped up in the kitchen, doing a boatload of s***. Just like in the military, s*** rolls down the hill. And sitting on the bottom of the hill? Me. Yup, the lowly apprentice.

(and as I was typing this, the fireworks that ended the festival just started rolling in. Thank god, I don't have to work until 9 tomorrow so I can sleep in)

Before this whole fiasco started, I told my roomie about my fear. I was scared that this whole thing, working nonstop with no days off, will get me burned out. So burned out, that I'd consider opting out of the profession a little bit earlier. Retire early. And chase another dream that requires less standing up for 10 hours straight. Or catching s*** that rolls down the hill. Just quit this dream that I've sacrificed so much.

...

Well, shoot. Apparently, I'm stronger than that. I survived. Alive and kicking. And ready for another day. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that the week is over. And for another 2 or 3 weeks, I only have 2 or 3 days of work. I'll drink to that. But I'm staying in this profession. I love this job. I'm only the lowly apprentice now, but I am born for this profession. So heck, let the s*** rolls down the hill. I'll catch them on my way to the top.

That's it!

I'm getting a plastic surgery!

...

Nah, I'm just kidding. I think I just need to take better picture of myself. Hmm.

My 11 Guy

Nope, it's not my 11th boyfriend. Although, I would like to have at least half of that amount in ex-es. Alas, that is not the case.

Nope, nope, nope. It's the guy who used to drive no. 11 bus, when I live downtown. Cute guy. Strict, but polite. I like that in a man. Didn't recognize him at first. He looked so ... haggard and worn down. On his face I mean. You know, the expression of "I had boatload of s*** from people and I'm this close to quitting this job". He used to be so fresh and carefree, friendly to boot. At least, when he was driving the no. 11. What changed, 11 guy?

But then I realize, he was driving no. 1 bus. It's the main route and covers lot of millage. And has it's own history of crazy people clusters. And I mean crazy, like loose hinge on brain crazy. Crazy, preaching in the middle of the bus crazy. You know. So that explain the expression. Ah, too bad. He's kinda cute.

Self-sabotage Syndrome

Is it real? Yes, it is. It mostly can be seen in women. All ages. For us, ladies, the syndrome knows no boundaries. We all suffer from it, some times.

Case in point. This lovely woman I know is in the early stage of a relationship, with a good man. A good catch, your momma would say. But she's having all this doubt about it. Last night, on the kitchen, she poured her heart out. Basically, telling me why she wants to take things slow with this guy. Understandably, just like others, she's been hurt before. Bad. And I mean, bad. The kind of broken heart that would keel you over if you don't have a strong heart and will. The kind that make you wish you hurt more physically, just so you don't feel that aching mentally.

Anyway, I digress. So somehow in this conversation, she stated that this might be a mistake. Why? Well, this is where it gets interesting. If she were my shanks (pet name for my BFFs), I would tell it like it is. Like "Shank, you're shanking yourself here. Get a grip. He's a good man. Deal". (In reality, I don't talk like that) But she's not. So no "shanking" her. Okay, long story short, her reason is more spiritual than I would like to believe. I'm not the most religious person in the world, ladies. But really? Really? You've got to be "shanking" yourself here.

A good man is hard to find. Trust me, I've been looking for ages (decades even). So when one comes along, you accept. No, I'm not saying that you should throw a rejoicing dance or ritual. After all, man is only ... man. But accept that a good man wants to love you, you beautiful self. And on forward to your journey to get to know him. Don't, and I repeat, DO NOT sabotage yourself. It's kinda old. And remotely sick, I tell ya. We can't be always ruining ourselves. Do not drag your behind and sink it low.

So yes, I do think this lovely woman is self-sabotaging herself. But I can't tell her that, as she poured her heart out on the kitchen floor. So I stand there, and listen. I didn't tell her flat out what I think. I listen. I was the enabler that time. If only she was my shank ...